He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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