I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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