I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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