Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
