just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
