my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
