if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
