I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
