We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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