oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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