I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
