saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
