we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
