I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
