i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
