laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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