Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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