Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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