I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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