News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
God I need to hump something, right now.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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