it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
