Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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