Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
