I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i think my cat just said my name.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
