I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
