Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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