just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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