I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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