i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
