my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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