so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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