My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
