So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
