I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The uberlube is also flammable
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
