i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I am spending my child support on dildos
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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