The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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