I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
