Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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