you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize