well I can't set my house on fire every night
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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