i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
