If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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