I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
