I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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