so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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