If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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