R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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