Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
