Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
