I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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