oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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