I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
