What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
