i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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