Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I cut my penus on the lid.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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