When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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