Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
