Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
