even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
