She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
