If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
