I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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