My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
