I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
