Can i not drive my cunt home
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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