In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
