apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
