I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
