It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize