saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
