she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
