I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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