I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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