Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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