I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
