So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
